Dr. D reflects on old journals and questions whether forgiving requires forgetting, exploring how memory and growth interact. He suggests writing down distorted events like gaslighting and notes sitting with someone without lashing out as a sign of forgiveness.
Dr. D. is running low on coffee. He will take a sip real quick. Welcome to his coffee chat.
"I am really excited with the new year. This is, like, one of my favorite times of the year. I just like doing things that's fresh, and I just enjoy kind of getting rid of things " Have you guys done an update for Cadre yet?
Do we have to or should we forget what happens to us in order to forgive? And is the forgetting really an indicator that we've forgiven? I think it's important to remember those details because it shows your growth.
Let's say you've experienced gaslighting, okay? When someone has manipulated your thoughts, manipulated what you believe about what happened, write it down. Because you don't need to forget. You need to remember what happened.
Jules: If you're in a space where you can be in the same place as someone and not want to lash out because of your pain, that's a good indicator that you have forgiven someone. Here's a challenge. Think about that situation in a different way. Maybe next week, maybe for the year.
Hey, Cadre, it's me, Dr. D. Welcome to my coffee chat. And I do have a little bit left again today because I have some clients this morning, and I'm running low on coffee, and I didn't get a chance to make another cup, but that's okay. But I will take a sip real quick. Okay. Hello, Jules. Hello, everybody. Coming in. Welcome, welcome, welcome. So I am a little bit late because when I logged in today, I didn't realize that I needed to do an update for the app. So have you guys done an update yet?
Because I don't even know what the new. The new new is just yet. If you've done the update, if you've seen anything different, can you just kind of comment for me and let me know what's new in Cadre? I am really excited with the new year. This is, like, one of my favorite times of the year. I just like doing things that's fresh, and I just enjoy kind of getting rid of things. And so I've been purging, I've been shredding papers, kind of going through some old boxes of things that, you know, you just kind of.
I don't know if you're like me. I hold on to things thinking they're memories, and I just can't seem to let them go. And then all of a sudden, one day, it's just like, I'm done with it. So I do want to share something with you that I thought was really interesting, and it just kind of shows, I guess, a level of growth for myself. But I'm curious if you've experienced this yourself. So I came across. I have tons of journals. I've been journaling since probably the fifth grade. So when I was 10 years old, I started journaling on a regular basis.
And I don't do it as often as I should now, but I do keep my journals for a lifetime. And I came across some documents and some journal entries from a time in my life that was very painful. That at the time, it was painful. It's not so much now, but reading through the information that I documented about myself and about my experience, there were some details that I don't remember. And I read through these, and I really had to pause and say, did this really happen to me? And it must have, because I wrote it down.
Why would I write this down if it didn't happen? But for some reason, my memory does not remember these certain details that are really traumatic and hurtful and painful. And so it got me to think about forgiveness and how forgiveness Operates. And I don't know if you guys have heard this over your lifetime, but I hear people often say, like, you need to forgive, but don't forget. But I also hear people say you need to forgive and forget, and you only know that you've forgiven someone if you're able to forget what happened.
And so I just want to challenge that today. Do we have to or should we forget what happens to us in order to forgive? And is the forgetting really an indicator that we've forgiven? And personally, I don't think you should forget all the things that have happened to you, and it might be hurtful. And so you have to check in with yourself. Are you ready to forget about these things? Maybe you do need to push it to the side, but that's also a trauma response. When we kind of push things to the side, we forget.
We check out. We don't want to remember it. But I want to challenge you to think about how can you remember some details of painful memories, painful moments in your life, in a sense that it will remind you of where you've come from. It's a reminder of your triumphs over your trials. It's a reminder even of how you allowed yourself to be in spaces in the past where you were being hurt, maybe over and over, maybe by the same person. But one day you decided to do something different, and you started to choose yourself.
So I don't think it's necessary to forget what happens to us. I think it's important to remember those details because it shows your growth. It shows that you're not the same person. It shows your elevation. And I think that's a moment that you need to pause. Now, if any of this is resonating with you, please drop your coffee mug in the chat for me. Let me know you hear me. And I think this is a challenge for a lot of people who are in this space of they want to forget things because it hurts and to hold onto memories.
It may make it feel like it's worse or. Or even the challenges of somebody you know. Let's say you've experienced gaslighting, okay? When someone has manipulated your thoughts, manipulated what you believe about what happened, and I encourage you in moments of pain, write it down. Because you don't need to forget. You need to remember what happened. You need proof. Yeah, this did happen to me. Yes, I was hurt this way. And that's okay. I'm going to get through. I'm going to get over this. Jules says someone asked you if you would have supper with a Person you.
You have forgiven. Oh, that would be interesting. Going back and having dinner with someone that you had to forgive. I wonder what that would be like. That. That's an interesting thought. And I'm. I'm thinking back, I'm going through. And I'm dating myself. My Rolodex, right. Who would I want to have dinner with? Someone in my past that has hurt me? And what would that dinner look like? What questions would I ask? I think that would actually be a time of healing. If you're in a space where you can be in the same place as someone and not want to lash out because of your pain.
So that's a good indicator that you have forgiven someone. If you're able to be around someone or hear their name, even if someone else is talking about them and you're not emotionally charged by that person, by their energy, by their presence, by their name. Their name can trigger us sometimes, right? And so that's a good checkpoint. Can you think about that person and not want to respond out of anger or respond out of pain or even try to hide because it feels so bad? So this is your challenge for the day, for the week.
Really take some time. And I kind of like stay. Staying in this place of reflection in the new year. If there's someone that has hurt you recently, or maybe you've been holding on to a memory of someone who has hurt you, Here's a challenge. Think about that situation in a different way. Is there something that you could look at this situation where that person may have hurt you, however they did it? Maybe it's something they said. Maybe they physically hurt you, maybe they abandoned you and that caused a wound.
If you can look at that person with some empathy, okay? Use some empathy and maybe ask, well, what happened to them that they had to hurt me? You guys may have heard about hurt people hurt people, and it's so true. But if you are the person who is in a space of forgiveness and you have chosen not to hurt the person who hurt you, that says a lot about you and where you are. So I want to challenge you to think, is there someone that you're holding these painful memories of? Reflect on that and what do you need to move towards that space of forgiveness for the week?
Maybe next week, maybe for the year. Maybe that's your goal for the year. So I do want to wish you all a happy new year. Thank you guys for joining me today. And I will be back again next Tuesday at noon Central standard time. So go out and get your coffee and look I'm going to keep enjoying my Nespresso that I got for myself for Christmas, y'all. But have a wonderful day. Talk to you later. Bye.
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