Week 3 - Conscious Coupling - There’s No I In Team

All right, well, here we are, another Saturday. It's week three of April, and this is Conscious Coupling. And the. The title is there's no I in Team. And the, you know, the description was this idea of, like, you know, how do we show up in relationships? And when we get caught up, you know, like, I literally, literally just left a meeting where I friend of mine was talking, and he was talking about his relationship, and he was talking about his Al Anon sponsor, and he was talking about how his Al Anon sponsor said, when you are feeling, like, disconnected from your wife, go write her a poem and leave it under her pillow.

When you're feeling disconnected from your wife, go massage her feet. And, you know, that is part of it, right? That is part of, like, I learned. I was told, not learned. I'm still learning, but I was told a long time ago, there's no 50, 50 in relationships. There's only, you are 100% responsible for the relationship, and your partner is 100% responsible. But if I'm 100% responsible, then it really doesn't matter what my partner does. Now can I stand here and say, I don't worry about what my partner does.

I worry about what my partner does all the g****** time. It's frustrating how much I worry about what my partner does because I get stuck in a loop thinking that she's got to do something different or be someone different. And I. And that's why I use that thing of, like, there's no I in team. And then it's like a question mark. Well, is there an I in team? Because the truth is, only I can control. Let me say it differently. I can control only how I show up in the relationship. And so for our team, that relationship, it's I.

It's just me. There is an I in team. Because if there is no I in team, in a partnership, in a marriage, in a relationship, there is no team. It's just not possible, right? We could be like, oh, no. But it's about the we. Oh, we love each other so much, and we do this, and we support each other and we, great. All of that. That matters. Be of service, right? There's no I when I'm being of service in many ways, right? I'm being of service to the relationship, to my partner. And so in that way, I'm sacrificing my I for her or even for the we and for the team.

But at the same time, right? It's like as soon as I want to say, but she. But her, but, you know, I've got. People in my life are like, no, no, no. And I. I think I've made clear over the weeks that I've talked about the kind of relationships piece and the couples piece is like, it doesn't mean I don't get to have a voice. It doesn't mean I don't get to have requests. It doesn't mean I don't get. We don't talk about the relationship, what's going on in the relationship. But what it does mean is, like, if I want something in the relationship, the very first thing I have to do is look at how I'm giving it in the relationship, period.

That's it. That is the bottom line. Am I giving it in the relationship? And if I'm not giving it in a relationship, that's the very first thing. And then not for like a day or two before then, seeing if my partner would be willing to also give it. And that's. I think that's part of the. The gift of relationships, the challenge of relationships, right? Like, if. If. Because if I'm 100% responsible and she's 100% responsible, but then it just keeps coming back to me, right? And my hope is that she feels similarly, and she does her responsibility, she does what she's supposed to do, but at the end of the day, it keeps coming back to me, Keeps coming back to me, keeps coming back to the I that is in the team.

And that's where to me, you know, it really. It really matters. It, like, you know, I. I think it's pretty clear at this point, I've got no answers when it comes to relationships, but I've got a lot of experience. And some of that experience has actually evolved into wisdom, just a touch of wisdom. And I think one of the greatest wisdoms, you know, after 21 years of marriage is like, one. Most of the stuff that has gotten me so upset, it's all in the short term. I don't remember it a day later, let alone a week or a month.

And so that's something, you know, that's something that I kind of have to remember when I'm in that space. And I'm just kind of focused. Focused. Focused on my partner. Focused on my partner, right? That's the. That's the challenge. And so, you know, I think the wisdom of, like, being in a relationship and having a we is so incredibly important. And I think forgetting about the I a lot of the time is so incredibly important. And yet there's a paradox, right? That if I forget about The I too much, the relationship will collapse.

If I focus on the I too much, the relationship will collapse. And it's striking that balance. It's finding that place and consciously, right, Hence the term conscious coupling. Consciously, really finding, evaluating how I can best show up in that relationship to serve the we, to serve the team. But at the end of the day, right, what it really comes down to for me is this idea of responsibility. 100% responsible. I am 100% responsible for the relationship. And I do not like that. It does not please me to know that or to say that, except for the fact that it makes me happier.

The last thing I'll say is, I think I've talked about it before, but there's a book called awareness by Anthony DeMello and I absolutely love it. I've loved it for years. I read it all the time. I reference it. Anthony DeMello is amazing. And he just really kind of. He's looked. He looked at like, the mystics and studied the mystics and what the mystics had to say. And the answer was always love. But it wasn't getting love. It was giving love. And when I'm needy, when I'm stuck in my old childhood wounds, I need love.

The challenge is realizing that I can give that love to me, usually in a way that even my partner can't, in a lot of ways. And then when I do that, I just naturally tend to go toward love. So in healing those wounds and addressing those wounds, attending to those wounds, in that moment, I free myself up to truly be loving. So those are my thoughts for the weekend. Nice to see you speak.