Here’s my favorite way to reframe jealousy (and other emotions that don’t always feel good) and how to cope with it!
Rachel Havocost: Sometimes we struggle with emotions that don't feel good. She says jealousy is often one of these. She advises people to try to understand where the jealousy is coming from. Then, she says, talk to your partner or the person involved about it.
Talk about coping with jealousy. Hi, my name is Rachel Havocost. I'm a writer and mental health advocate. And in the many years I've been in therapy, I have learned to acknowledge that all of my emotions, whether they feel good or don't feel good, are there for a reason. And oftentimes I think we really struggle with emotions that don't feel good, especially when they bring up an another added layer of shame. And jealousy is often one of these. So I was actually talking to a friend the other day and he was like, I'm just feeling so jealous about this person who's interacting with my partner.
And I really don't like that I'm feeling this way. How do I stop it? And I said to him, well, you know, first of all, jealousy is just an emotion. There's actually no, there's actually nothing wrong with that feeling. What we have to think about is what we're going to do with that feeling. And so I asked him to first have some compassion for himself and try to meet that feeling without any judgment and say, okay, I'm feeling jealousy. Like, what's this about? Where's this coming from? And do some self inquiry.
So that can look like journaling and writing. That can look like talking to a therapist or a friend and just getting curious about the jealousy rather than trying to make it go away. And once we can start to understand where the jealousy is coming from, then we can make more informed decisions about what to do with it. So if the jealousy is coming from a place of maybe some things that have happened in our past and we're getting triggered, and it feels like the current experience is bringing up old feelings that make.
Is making us feel insecure or scared or angry. Then we have an opportunity to talk to our partner or the person that's involved and, and express, you know, hey, I'm experiencing this jealousy. It's coming up because what you're doing or what's happening is reminding me of these things. And I'm just hope. I'm wondering if we can talk about it and, and not from a place of I'm jealous and therefore you need to change something. But from a place of I'm having this feeling and you're someone I care about.
And so I want you to know that this is something I'm going through, but also by talking to you about it, you're helping me rewire that this might not necessarily be a way I have to feel in this scenario. Or alternatively, the jealousy is coming because someone in our lives is actually engaging in something or acting in a way that is crossing a boundary or is crossing a place of respect for us and is making us feel like we're not being treated in the right way or like there's mistrust that's happening.
And so then again, we have to ask ourselves, is this a person that I want to maintain a relationship with and that I can have that kind of conversation with and say, you know, here's these things that are happening and it's bringing up some jealousy for me and I want to talk about it. And so again, like, trying to understand the feeling and where it's coming from, letting ourselves feel it. And then after we've done that processing, thinking about what's the action that I want to take to maintain this relationship or to support myself so that I feel good about where things are going down in the future and also so that I feel like I've been heard and respected.
I hope that was helpful. And if you have tips, I'm so happy to hear them in the comments and I will see you next time.
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