Keep Your Dating Standards High

Hey, Cadre crew. Doctor Kerry here live on Cadre. Just going to wait a second for people to join us and I'm going to jump right in to the topic today. We have a lot to chat about. There is a common misconception out there about your dating standards. And this message isn't for people who are single. It could even be people who are in a relationship. So hear me out. But there's this common misconception that if you have too high of dating standards that that's why you're single. And I am going to debunk that myth today and tell you that I think you should probably increase your standards and that is when you're actually going to get a relationship.

And the reason I can say that with confidence is because it actually worked for me. So I'm going to paint you a little picture of my dating history here. I'm going to be real vulnerable and share with you all the things that I've done wrong and hopefully you can learn from my mistakes. So after my abusive marriage, I think my dating standards were pretty much like, just find someone who will marry you. And hence, I ended up in a really abusive, unhealthy marriage. And after my marriage, my standards were like, well, how about I find someone who's just a little bit better than the last guy who treats me a little bit better.

Maybe he doesn't have this one quality. Maybe he doesn't talk down to me and hit me and verbally abuse me on a daily basis, but maybe it's just like once a week. So again, really unhealthy relationship pattern. But with each relationship I got into the eight years after my abusive marriage, I would say that each one was probably a little bit healthier, but definitely not high standards. And it wasn't until I finally sat down and thought, what are my non negotiables for a relationship? Like, what are my standards?

Because I don't think I even have any. I think I'm just so desperate and don't want to be alone, which, if you're in that place, I totally get that, too. So side note, that is a desire that's been put inside you and that's okay, that you don't want to be alone, that you want to be married, that you want to be with someone forever, that you want that partnership in life. That's an okay desire. What happens is we use that desire to then just basically settle for anything or anyone and lower our standards and we go against our core values.

So let me explain. So I ended up writing the list of my non negotiables. For me, that non negotiables were four things, and they were kind of based on my other relationships. So number one, they needed to love Jesus. I'm a believer. That was really important to me. Number two, they needed to want kids because I really want to have kids. Number three, they needed to put our relationship above everything else. Like, high priority for our relationship. And number four, they needed to be emotionally available.

I dated a lot of men who were very distant, cold, emotionally. They ended up not abusing me because they just had no. They weren't in touch with their emotions at all, but in turn, like, there was no emotional intimacy in the relationship. So that was it. That was my four. That was, I thought, a pretty basic list. And I actually was told by people that my standards were too high because I would screen men so quickly on dates. Like, I would go on one date and say, nope, they don't meet my standards.

And I've got so much flack for this from people because they thought that I would write them off too soon. But honestly, I had a pretty decent screening process. And if they didn't meet one of those, why would I give them the time of day? In your thirties or forties or fifties, you should know on date one if they are worth a second date. Like, you don't need to go on multiple dates to figure this out. In your twenties, that's a different story. But once you have figured out what you want in life, you should know immediately on date number one if they are worth your time for a second date.

It's just like an interview. Treat it like an interview. So then I realized that list of standards actually wasn't high enough because I still was somehow getting into unhealthy relationships. So I needed to address that again and figure out what is actually on my list. And now I'm not saying make a list of things. Like, he needs to look good in a baseball hat. He needs to be, you know, 510 to six one. Literally, this was stuff that I wanted to put on list. He needs to have brown hair. Well, what if he has no hair and he's, like, the best man out there?

Or vice versa for a woman? Like, what if she has a little bit of extra belly fat, and in other words, she's in great shape and you want somebody who is athletic, but they just don't have the body type that you want. Is that going to be okay for you? These are the things I want you to actually sit down and think about. What does my ideal person look like, but not on the outside. What do they look like on the inside? Because once I started writing down the list of characteristics I wanted in a relationship and decided which ones were super important to me.

Like, somebody who's respectful to others is really important to me. Somebody who's, like, overly polite to servers at a restaurant. Another thing that was really important to me because it showed the character of who they were. Somebody who has a lot of integrity, somebody who has friends and has a relationship with their family. That was actually one I gave in on once in a relationship. They had no relationship with their family. And I thought, well, you know, that maybe that's one is a little bit too strict.

But actually, that gets down to a core belief about that person that they can have so much resentment and bitterness in their heart that they will write people off. So that actually is a character trait. So I want you to think about the difference between the character traits that you want out of someone and how that manifests then in daily life. And I totally hear you, Evan. Like, you've had pressure to lower your standards. Like, don't do it. I want to tell you right now, I want you to actually raise your standards, because once you start doing that and you honor the value and the worth that you are bringing to a relationship is when you're actually going to attract the right person.

And so I'm not saying you, you know, know, you're gonna be single for the next 30 years again, and, like, this is gonna take forever. You actually have to put some work in. Like, I was. I literally was praying to God. I just hope I meet him. Like, picking out a cantaloupe at the grocery store. Can that just happen? And no, you actually have to put a little bit of effort into it if you wanna meet someone. But you need to also go into those interviews with a screening process and a list of standards that you're not willing to budge on because you are honoring yourself and your value.

And the other thing I would actually help you to say is get comfortable with being single. Actually, there are times now that I'm in an incredible relationship that I'm like, oh, man, it's kind of nice to be single sometimes because I don't have to think about someone else, or it's kind of nice to be single because I don't have to worry about, like, adjusting my schedule, things like that. So, like, I honestly miss being single sometimes. Please don't share this with my boyfriend, even though he could be watching right now.

But, like, just know that, like, if you get so comfortable being single, that's when it happened. I know people say that, but it's so true because I actually got so confident with who I was as a person and what I was putting out in the world. And if I went on a date and they didn't like me or I didn't like them, I was like, you know what? That's fine. You're not the one for me. So I want you to sit with that list of qualities that you are looking for in someone and keep those standards super high and get really comfortable being single.

Maybe there's something that you need to dig in, figure out, like, why do I not like being single? And maybe you need to work through that. Like, use this time to do your self growth and discovery. Truly, like, take advantage of this time. And if you're in a relationship and you're wondering if this is the one, you can still do this exercise and sit down and list off what are the most important things for me in the character and the qualities of the person that I want to be with forever. So I hope this was insightful and helpful.

I hope you have some inspiration from this. And, yes, I get it. Dating is hard. It's really hard. It's not fun. I flat out don't like it. And I'm so grateful I don't have to do it anymore because I finally found someone. So praying for all of you that you find the right person and that you continue to keep your standards high and honor and value the incredible person that you are.