Coffee Chats W/Dr. D

Hey, Cadre. It's me, Dr. D. I am on. My hair is looking a mess, y', all, but I am on mommy duty right now. Had to take my son to work, so I'm sitting in the parking lot. But today I had a couple of questions for you. So one, let me tell you, and I don't have it with me. I have no coffee right now. Can y' all believe it? But I did get a new coffee mug recently. So for those of you who know a little bit about me, I do train Jiu Jitsu. And so my new gym, the Aries Bros Jiu Jitsu, welcome. The. The twins that I train with, they also love coffee just as much as I do.

And so they are also working on getting their own, like, coffee brand. But they have these cute coffee mugs. It's bright yellow with their logo in black. The Aries Bros Jiu Jitsu. And so that is my new favorite coffee mug. And so my question for you today is, what is your favorite coffee mug? If you have one, what color is it? What is it about that coffee mug that just brings you joy? Now, for me, I like coffee mugs that are pretty large because I like to froth my coffee. And so I need a little bit of space to do that.

And sometimes I add extra creamer. Depends on, you know, if I want a latte feel or not. But, yeah, what's your favorite coffee mug and why? So put that in the chat for me. But today is. It's a. It's a really off day. I have a very random topic, and I would love for you guys to join in on this conversation because it's something that I'm exploring for myself as well. So I was just thinking about how it feels to be misunderstood and what happens with us internally when we feel misunderstood. So I'll give you an example.

So I have come to find out over time. Sometimes I feel misunderstood when I'm just talking. I'm just expressing myself. I don't feel like I'm being too wordy or I feel like I'm speaking clearly. But there are times when people that are listening to me that they misinterpret my intentions of what I'm saying, or they misinterpret what I actually said. And sometimes how that shows up is they might repeat something like, oh, you said this. And I'm like, no, I didn't say that. And in those moments, I start to reflect, and I'll sit with that and think, well, did I say that?

So I second guess myself. So I think part of my personal experience of being misunderstood is I go internal and I really second guess myself and I kind of like gaslight myself. Or are they gaslighting me? I don't know. Oh, speak Wonder. You wrote a blog on this. I would love to read that. So, yes, it's an experience that I think can trigger a few different emotions. So one, for me, it doesn't. It triggers me to go internal and to second guess myself, to reflect. What did I say? Did I say it wrong?

Could I have said it better? And that imposter syndrome in myself starts to kick up, right? But then there are times when I feel misunderstood in a conversation and it makes me want to get fiery, right? And I want to go in and, and explain myself. Like, that's not what I meant, that's not what I said. I said it this way. This is what I meant. This is where I was coming from. And sometimes when that happens, depending on who I'm talking to, it can get met with more frustration and it creates conflict.

And so I'm curious if that's something that you've experienced where feeling misunderstood, which direction do you tend to go? Do you go internal? Do you start to isolate? Do you get quiet? Do you reflect on yourself to maybe improve yourself? Or do you reflect and maybe judge yourself? Or are you on the other end of the spectrum where you feel misunderstood and that triggers something, is a spark for you to engage in conflict? Speak Wonder. You were lighting it up today. You said you feel marginalized.

Like I wasn't listened to with enough care and consideration. Absolutely. I think for me this shows up more. I think the frustration with being misunderstood shows up more when I'm speaking with someone that I feel is connected to me. So the most intimate relationships that I have, so family, friendships with my partner, where if I feel misunderstood by them, I have this assumption, well, you should know what I mean. You should know what I meant. Right. And that is inaccurate. They shouldn't. We should just be better at communicating.

But communication, again, it's a two way street. So when we are misunderstood, we have to take responsibility and say something about that. Like, hey, that's not what I meant, or I feel like you're not getting what I'm trying to say. I feel like you're taking this the wrong way and we don't always take the time to do that. I think sometimes we do. I'm trying to remember sometimes where I have spoken up. And I think this shows up more when I'm trying to explain myself about how I feel about something, and it just activates deeper emotion.

And it doesn't always feel good. Being misunderstood doesn't always feel good. But question for us to think about for the week when we are feeling misunderstood, can we take that moment to reflect and see what can we change? Because we can't change the other person's perspective necessarily. We can't change how they're interpreting us. Maybe they've got whatever lenses that they're wearing for that moment. We don't know what they're coming into the conversation with. So is there something we can do for ourselves to regulate ourselves in those moments when we feel misunderstood so we don't go into the one spectrum of isolation or the other spectrum of wanting to fight and engage in conflict?

All right, Speak. Wonder saying, wherever there are two or more people in the room, there will be misunderstandings and conflict. Oh. Oh, this is a random hot topic. I definitely want to dig into this more, especially with the holidays coming up. So if you got family coming in where you're expecting conflict, what are you doing now to prepare for that? Okay, I am. So I'm the. I'm an only child, and I'm also the oldest grandchild, and so my uncles, my mom is the only girl in the family, and my uncles all had children later in life.

So I'm. I was already in my late 20s and 30s when they started having kids, so. But I am expecting some misunderstandings during our family gathering. And for me, being the one on the outside or the other, I would say I kind of pull back. But now, at the age that I'm. I'm at now, I can engage more in the conversation as an adult, and I can help create more better understanding during those moments for my family. And I'm just curious if that's you. Like, when you have family gatherings, are you the person that's the.

The mediator or the peacemaker trying to help everyone understand themselves? You need to know strategies, especially because you over apologize. Oh, yeah. Over apologizing is. I'm curious why you feel like you do that. Because I can see people who apologize for how they said something, even though sometimes we say things the way that we mean it, but because it triggers something in someone else. We'll apologize for what we said. And no, that's not okay, because we have to be able to own ourselves.

We have to be able to own what we said and how we said it, because that's how we meant it. And we can apologize for if that person felt hurt by that. But always Expressing like that wasn't the intention. And we can't control how someone else feels. That's one thing I've learned over time. Someone may be hurt by the things that we say, but if it's not our intention to hurt them and they feel hurt, that's on them to manage for themselves. All right, Speak wonder. I'm glad you're loving this today.

The insecurity inside of you somewhere. Okay, yeah, let's reflect on that some more. So as you prepare for the rest of the week, I would love if you pay attention to when misunderstanding enters a conversation. So two things. Check yourself. First, when you feel misunderstood, which spectrum are you going to? Which side? But second, when, when you flip it, if you misunderstand someone else, what is your reaction to that misunderstanding? So if you recognize, hey, I didn't get that. What do you do in those situations?

Okay, that's all I have, y'. All. Next week we are going to meet. I know next week is holiday week for some people. We will still meet and I don't have a topic plan. Again, this is. I'm just kind of free flowing for the rest of the month and I'm enjoying that because there's some random things happening, great things. And I think this is a time of year that we just have to. It can get really busy, I'll say. And we have to choose to slow down. And so for me personally, my way of slowing down is not having things planned.

So I will see you guys next Tuesday for our next coffee chat. And I will have coffee that time. All right, have a good day, y'. All. Bye.