Selfish vs. People-Pleasing - Which Is Worse?

Hey, Cadre family doctor Carrie here streaming live. And I just realized that in my video, I have this little dog. Lots of family memories with this dog. And the reason it is sitting back here behind me on the couch is because this is a favorite stuffed animal for all of the actual fur leggeds in the house to eat. So this happened growing up. My dog currently likes to go after this dog, so hence why that dog is sitting back here on the couch. But we'll just put that back where it goes safely. All right, let's get started with today's topic.

So we're going to be talking about selfish versus people pleasing. Now, I guarantee there's nobody watching this that's going to raise their hand and go, I'm somebody who's selfish, but there might be some people who identify with the people pleasing. And so we're going to unpack this topic and maybe you'll feel like, ooh, I maybe do recognize or identify with one of those. So what is the difference? Somebody who is people pleasing is somebody who cares about what other people think. They really want to maintain harmony.

They want everybody to be happy. They just want to make people feel good. Now that in and of itself is not a bad thing. My fiance actually has this characteristic, and it makes him an incredible fiance because he's always wanting to make sure that I'm happy and that I am in a good mood and that he can do anything to make me happy. This is a good thing, right, in relationships, especially to want the other person to be happy. But at what expense does that come at? So if that means that you're putting your own stuff aside, your own needs aside, to make sure that everybody around you is happy, are you the type of person that when you log on to instagram, you immediately go see how many people liked that post I put up there, and then you find out that somebody didn't like it.

Or maybe you find out you offended someone in a meeting this week and you're like, oh, my gosh, what do I do with that? Because it really bothers you to the core that someone doesn't like you. Those are characteristics of somebody who maybe struggles with people pleasing. And again, that in and of itself is not a bad thing. But what do you do with that information then? Does it start to eat at you when you're finding out that not everybody's happy, not everybody likes you. And so you might think if you are somebody who struggles with some of those things, that somebody on the opposite end of the spectrum that doesn't care about those things?

Well, they're just selfish. They only think about themselves. And somebody who's on that end of the spectrum probably thinks, yeah, because I don't care what other people think of me. So if you think about it, neither one is really that great. But actually, I'm gonna throw a little twist in for you. They are actually the same root. So the root of people pleasing is a lack of identity in something or finding this is a better way to say it, finding your identity in something, that's not healthy. So you're basically saying, I find my identity and my self worth in the fact that other people are happy, other people like me, I can create harmony wherever I go.

And hi, Katie, thanks for joining. But somebody who is selfish, who's not caring about those things might be somebody who's struggling on the other end of the spectrum with basically pride and ego and saying, well, I don't care what anybody thinks and I don't care if they like me and I don't care if anybody around me is happy. So actually the root of both of them is an identity issue and actually a codependent issue. So you think about it, somebody who's people pleasing might say, well, I would rather be this way than somebody who's selfish and doesn't care about anybody, but actually someone who struggles with people pleasing, it is actually a selfish thing.

Now let me just pause for a second while you digest that it's actually selfish to be people pleasing because what you're saying is I find value, I find my worth in how everybody else is feeling. And so there's actually a selfish motivation behind why you want everybody around you to be happy, why you want everybody to like you. It's a selfish motivation because it actually feeds and fuels that peace inside of you that's not filled up otherwise. So they're actually the same thing. I know. Just had to drop that.

But so, no. Okay, so if I identify with one of those, then what do I do? Like, oh my gosh, I've struggled with this my whole life. Like, give me some practical tips. That's what we're here to talk about too. So I could go on and on about like kind of the route or maybe how this came about in your life. We're not going to go there today. This isn't a coaching session, although we do have coaches available for these things if you need that. But we're going to talk about, okay, what do I do when I recognize that maybe I do struggle with this?

And so the root, like I said, is a codependency, especially if you're somebody who struggles with the people pleasing. What you're saying is, I need my worth or my value to get filled up from other people. So you're not finding that in whatever that is. So maybe your identity is found in other people. Maybe your identity is found in how much people like you. Maybe your identity is found in how much your team, even if you manage a team, responds to you, that they know that you are there for them.

And so there's a root issue there, the codependency of finding your identity in something that's movable. So I would challenge you to figure out, what can I put my identity or my worth in that's immovable. And for you, I don't know what that looks like. For me, it's my faith that's an immovable thing. I put my identity in that. But it's finding the self love and self worth outside of other people that doesn't then air towards the pride or selfishness, because you still want to care what people think.

You still want people to be happy. But how can you do that in a way that doesn't just isolate you and say, well, I don't care about anybody then, so I want you to do some just self reflection on if this is something you're struggling with. Maybe thinking back to, when did this start? Is this something that was modeled for me? You know, was this how the dynamic between my parents, or lack thereof, in the adults that I saw growing up, was this modeled for me in other areas of my life where people were people pleasing?

And I can tell you that a lot of the clients that I work with in coaching have had this model to them, that they find that other people in their lives have found their identity or their self worth in other things and other people validating them. So they've just kind of assumed that that's what you do because they didn't know any different. I can tell you that that is not how I grew up. And so I erred on the selfish end of the spectrum of not caring what people think and just really saying, well, my identity is definitely not in that.

My identity is actually in myself. And so it became more of a pride and ego thing. I'm just looking at the comments really quick here. Thanks for the comment about my hair, Katie. I think it is the motivation. Am I helping because I truly care or because I need the validation? That's a great question to ask from our coach, Melanie. What, what is the motivation of what you're doing, why you're doing what you're doing, you know, is your motivation because you want to be filled up. You want to have that, oh, man, I'm worth it.

I'm worthy. I'm needed in this life. And I know I've talked about this on videos before about like, the, the neediness that I have in just like, needing to be needed, even with my dog. I mean, guys, I'm not kidding you. Like a co dependency on my dog. Like, I love that she needs me because I wasn't getting this, this need met, this value about who I was as a person met in any other relationship of my life. So I was struggling with that and I turned it all onto my dog. And so you have to do some, like, deep diving.

And I would, I would challenge you to journal about it, too, and say, gosh, which one of these do I struggle with? And then when did it start? Why did it start? And maybe make a list of some of the things that you do find your identity in that are in other people or in other things where that validation is coming. And maybe you can think of some times when that validation was not there and how devastating that was for you because that's what happens when you put your identity in something that moves your identity and other people.

It can truly make you, like, just do ups and downs because you're on a roller coaster when that need isn't being filled. So I know I'm speaking to the people that struggle more with the people pleasing tendencies, but we'll have to deep dive into the selfish one. If anybody does identify with that. I know that was definitely me. And so just to think about, you know, again, what maybe some other things that you can put your identity in. What are the challenges that you have for your self worth? I know for me it's shame.

And I'm actually doing a kind of deep dive inner healing with shame personally right now in this season and in the last few weeks, it was revealed to me that I have some deeper levels of shame that I haven't addressed from some of the stuff that I've done in my life. And I've had to just kind of walk that out. For me, that includes my faith journey of talking to God about it, but just really journaling and just kind of letting the emotions come and recognizing that because I have that deeply rooted shame, I'm going to struggle to find my identity in other things, I'm going to want to because I don't feel worthy inside.

I don't feel like I'm valuable. That's what shame will tell you. Then I'm going to seek other things to find my value and my worth. And so actually just hit me this week at a Christmas party when I brought a gift and they did not like the gift. They were like, this is not really that cool. And I thought it was a great gift. And I was, like, devastated immediately that they didn't like my gift. And I thought, wow. I mean, yes, it's kind of sad that, like, I gave a gift to someone and they didn't like it.

But what does that say about my self worth? If that hits me so deeply right now? There's probably an area of healing that I need to go to because something is challenging my self worth. And so I hope this makes sense. I know there's so much we could deep dive into this topic, but I just wanted to shed some light on this topic because I know a lot of us going into the holidays, you know, meeting up with people that we don't see on a regular basis, there's. There's just a lot of, you know, uncharted waters sometimes when we go into family times.

And just really, everybody at this time of year is also, you know, kind of like saying, what are my goals? I want to deep dive into these things. And so just something to just kind of do some reflecting on. Do you struggle with one of these? Where do you find your identity? Why do you find your identity in those things? Just kind of honoring where you're at. Because a lot of us have done this our whole life. A whole life, Katie. Oh, my gosh. What was the gift? It was a personalized gift, actually.

It was a glass plate with a bible verse, like, engraved on it. And I had, like, a really pretty design, and I had it custom made and I thought that was beautiful. And I like hosting parties and gatherings for people and so, like, to have, like, a serving platter like that, I think is super cool. That's, like, personalized. But apparently she didn't think so. But maybe she doesn't like hosting people. So anyway, I thought it was a cool gift, but yeah. So I just hope this was insightful for you guys.

I just wish you the best holiday and just really enjoy this season of figuring out, you know, like, what, what can I leave in this year? And what can I, you know, take with me into next year? We're going to talk more about that next week, too, and make sure you tune into the livestream tomorrow from Risa. Dealing with disappointments. I am stoked to hear that one because I know that's another really hot topic for everybody in the holidays. So anyways, thank you guys for the comments today, for truly caring about what I have to say and just, I hope this was insightful and you learned something.

So God bless it. You.