Permission to Forgive: How to Open Up Your Heart

Hey, Cadre family doctor Carey here. Today I want to talk about the topic of forgiveness. And I'll give you a little bit of backstory about a couple of traumatic things that have happened in my life to give you context on this topic. The first experience I want to talk about is my sexual assault story. When I was 21, I was stranger, raped, stabbed, and kidnapped. And it's the most horrific thing that's ever happened to me. And it's interesting. I get asked all the time, how do you forgive the man that raped you?

Which, it's long story short, it's not easy and it takes time. And I wanna unpack that a little bit today about what forgiveness means. And then I also wanna talk about my experience with my marriage, being in a domestic abuse situation, and what it took to forgive my ex husband. So, first of all, I just wanna explain, why do you. Why should you forgive someone? What's the point of forgiveness? Especially since they're not going to ask you for forgiveness. I'm probably never going to see the man that raped me again.

He still has not been caught. I doubt that I will ever see him in court someday or on the street. So I'm never going to have that satisfaction of him coming to me and saying, I'm sorry I hurt you. Will you forgive me? So moving past that, first of all, is really the first step to understand that forgiveness doesn't mean that they have to ask you for forgiveness. That's not what forgiveness is for. The definition of forgiveness, in my mind, is really freedom from the anger, hurt, bitterness, and resentment that you hold towards another person or another thing or an experience.

Because really what forgiveness is, is it's releasing yourself from those negative emotions that hold you in bondage to that power that person has over you. So by saying, I forgive, the man that raped me basically says he has no more power over me. He doesn't get to control my emotions. He doesn't get to influence me to be anger or bitter. And it really is quite a freeing feeling. And I'm not going to tell you that this happens overnight. This took me years to get to a place where I could say that I forgive him for raping me.

But it really is such a powerful place to be when you can release that freedom of forgiveness out of your heart and really just give in to what love feels like in your heart. Because by holding that anger and bitterness in your heart, you're really closing off your heart to feeling love and experiencing joy in life. And that's why forgiveness is for you. It's not for the other person. It really is releasing that anger and bitterness out of your own heart so that you can make more room for joy and love.

Now, I want to talk a little bit about my ex husband because it was actually harder for me to forgive him than it was the man that raped me. And the reason for that is because while both of them knew what they did was wrong, both of them chose to do something to hurt me, deliberately hurt me. The abuse from my ex husband was a daily basis. It was constant. And he was choosing to wake up every single day and talk to me the way he talked to me and hurt me and cut me down and make me feel like a worthless person.

And so it actually took me a long time to forgive him because that was repeated abuse. And I don't know if this rings true for you, but when somebody's choosing to repeatedly abuse you, the anger that builds up in your heart gets even stronger, and it fills up even more than a one time offense, like the man that raped me. So it took me a long time to forgive my ex husband. And I want to make it really clear that by saying I forgive him for hurting me doesn't mean that what he did was okay. He still is aware of the choices he made to hurt me and to treat me the way he treated me.

And it doesn't mean by me saying I forgive you that it was okay. It's no big deal. I'm moving on. I'm moving past it. I'm no longer having any hurt or pain from it. Because let me tell you, as I've entered into relationships since my divorce, over the past few years, this hurt has resurfaced multiple times. I have triggers from my marriage, from things that he said, things that he did. And that hurt has continued to resurface in my heart. So it doesn't mean that what he did was okay or I'm just forgetting it or moving on.

I still have to work through those hurts. But by saying I forgive you, I let go of that power that he has over me and really have been able to open up my heart and allow someone else in. Because the more I hold on to that bitterness and resentment I have towards another human being, what it's doing is closing my heart off to another person who's worthy, who wants to treat me well, to be really let into my heart. Because honestly, part of my heart still belonged to my ex husband. For a few years after our divorce, even if that part of my heart was hurt and anger, it's still part of it was like he had the power over me.

So I just want to give you permission to forgive because it really is such a freeing feeling, and it releases that power. It truly releases that power that somebody has over you. And this might look like every single day, saying I forgive so and so, like saying it out loud and eventually hopefully believing it. Because sometimes it is a choice and it is a mindset to forgive someone. And it's not easy. And. And things might come up and triggers might come up, and you might want to stay in that place of anger because it feels good and it feels justified.

So it's going to look sometimes like making a daily declaration of I forgive this person until you start to believe it. And let me tell you, I've been divorced now for seven years, and I still occasionally have to say that out loud over my ex husband because I still sometimes have anger come up. And that's okay. Because forgiveness is not just a one time thing. I say it, I believe it. I move on. When there's hurt in your heart, forgiveness is probably going to be a lifestyle for a while and maybe even for the rest of your life, and that's okay.

But I just encourage you to try it because the freedom that you're going to experience with forgiveness is just out of this world, and it really allows you to experience the joy that life has to offer. Thanks for tuning in with me today, guys. I hope this was inspirational. Until next time, God bless.