What’s In Your Toolbox?

Are we in? Are we in? Are we on? We're in, we're on. I think we'll wait. We'll wait, we'll wait. I know there's been some updates, so I just wanna make sure, totally, that we received the feedback. Oh. Hmm, funny. Welcome to our livestream. Hi, everyone. Hello, hello, hello. It is toolbox Tuesday, y'all, where we're here to talk about the tools you have or don't have that you need to add into your toolbox in order to live the most fruitful life that you could possibly live. So this conversation is suited for everyone, parents, leaders, adults, who else, kids, anyone who is looking to grow themselves.

Having conversations like this to grow your toolbox is so important to have because you want to be the best version of yourself. I'm pretty sure I didn't go to bed last night waking up today being like, meh, well, and if I want to be worse today, if you don't know, then you can't necessarily improve in certain areas. So these talks are all about, they're geared towards helping you improve in areas where you might have completely overlooked because you never even thought about it that way. Very true.

And as we age, so we work a lot with girls. As we age, we start to really solidify in our beliefs, our habits, things that we do on a daily basis. Because it's routine, it makes for a more efficient day for us. And I want to say efficient in quotes, because habits can be very destructive and we don't even know about them. So these talks really are about you opening up your blinders, picking your head up, looking around and questioning whether you are living the best life for you in this moment. One of the things that we also love to draw from, from these conversations, from these lives, is an intention.

So a lot, a lot of times we operate our day or we go through our day just like it's a normal day. These conversations allow you to think about, they allow you to stop, collaborate and listen. Sorry, I had to. Absolutely. They allow you to do that anytime, to break into song and dance, but they allow you to think about, how can I be intentional in this area of my life? So if nothing, allow these conversations to be your daily dose of inspiration so you can be intentional, practicing what we're talking about every single time we come on our lives.

And today, the subject we want to bring to life is, sorry, I'm that to like box you out. It's okay. Hi. Is that a feedback? So question and show of hands because I can't see any of your hands. So you're really gonna be truthful ousting yourself here, but show of hands. Whoa. Who has ever felt personally attacked by someone trying to give you feedback? Maybe boxing me right up with a hand. There's the feedback. Thanks for telling me. Gosh. Feedback can feel very confronting and very like you're being personally attacked by that.

She's gonna say, like, you take it on and it's personal. And that's where we really want to challenge your pre existing beliefs on what feedback is going into a situation where somebody is going to give you feedback. Let's just paint the picture. A boss. Jill was my boss at Lululemon, so let's just say scenario wise, she said, mary, we need to have a conversation. Are you free in ten minutes? Instantaneously. I think it's human nature for us to clam up, clench our fists, and freak out about what that potential conversation is going to be.

When I know I'm a good employee, when I know I'm following protocol, when I know I'm doing things right, we still have a tendency to freeze and ask that question, what did I do wrong? Am I getting fired? What's happening here? Rather than being open to what the conversation will bring? Because what we love to teach, we work with girls on a daily basis. What we love to teach in terms of talking to our girls is if you can decipher whether the feedback is for you or not for you. And that's a really important distinction.

So the first thing we want to call out is making sure you're going into any viable scenario, asking questions and being able to decipher between one thing or the other, not just in this scenario, but every scenario you're in. So feedback, is the person giving you the feedback meant, are they meaning it to help you grow, or are they meaning it to cut you down? Because there is a very distinct difference. Absolutely. I had to practice. I am a recovering people pleaser. I don't know if that resonates or if I'm speaking to anybody else listening to that, but feedback, for me, it used to tear my self esteem apart.

I felt like I just couldn't do right, and then I would overperform, like, hey, I'm doing all the things right, and then notice me. But what I learned in all of that, because it really is a journey, I had to remember that at a job, for example, I wear a title and I'm managed. My performance is managed through that title. So if my boss were to give me feedback, it's because of the job that I'm doing the job, it's not the person that I am. So it's being able to distinguish Jill. Let's just take Lululemon, for example.

Jill as the store manager, getting feedback from my boss. So me being a store manager, I'm getting feedback around what I need to improve upon so that I can do better, versus her giving me feedback as Jill, the human being, the wife, the mother, the business owner, the friend, etcetera. And that's often where we can't make a distinguish, where we can't distinguish between the two of those things. Instead of saying, Jill, the store is underperforming. Your role as a store manager needs to improve in areas a, b, and c.

It's Jill, you are not performing, and you personally need to improve an a, b, and c. And we take it very personally, and that is something that tears us down. And it doesn't allow us to actually truly hear and receive the feedback in order to do the job better. Right. We get into a shame spiral about the things that we're doing wrong, as opposed to taking it on and saying thank you. Because that's all I want to say for feedback, is thank you. Thank you for helping me notice my blind spots and gifting me ways in which you see that I'm able to improve because you care enough about me as a person and in this role to pull me aside and let me know that you see the potential that I have in this role to do better.

Oftentimes, we see it as people cutting us down. When realistically, when someone takes the time to give feedback, to deliver feedback to you in love, it means they want to see you grow and do better. And that is such a gift. When somebody takes the time to give you feedback, to tear you down, like I said, you can tell because they're not giving you examples or areas of opportunity for you to grow. They are directly telling you the things that you did wrong and then leaving it closed ended. They're not leaving any opportunity for you to ask questions.

They're not leaving you any opportunity to say, hey, here's where I think you could improve. They're saying, you did this, this, this, and this wrong, and I'm writing you up. And if you don't show up better next week, you're out of here. Something similar to that. Or you've probably gotten feedback from a friend or a family member, a friend who might be jealous, who gives you feedback in such a way to keep you small, to keep you playing small, to have you sit down on yourself rather than to grow and flourish well.

And what I want to, what I do want to call out is a couple of things. I want to unpack that just a little bit. So you giving the feedback, I love that Mary called out. It's in order for it to be well received. And sometimes feedback is messy, so I just want to call that out. Sometimes you just need to say it and then you're going to have to clean it back up. But it's coming from a place of love when it can be like, I see you and I appreciate you and I want to help you grow. It's going to be better as the recipient to receive that feedback.

And the recipient, if you are a recipient of feedback and it's not feeling well, you also can give that feedback. So just know that you using your voice to express how this conversation is making you feel is going to be so important. I remember when I used to give hard feedback, I'd have to humanize it like, you guys, I am so nervous to talk to you right now. This is a really hard conversation that I'm not looking forward to have and then deliver and then, you know, be mindful of who is, who's hearing the feedback and then really hearing them out and the emotions.

And the emotions that are coming out. Because guess what? I also, I never appreciated when someone heard feedback that they got super defiant and defensive, turned it right back around and the pointing of the finger. So it's like, okay, hang on. You have so many beautiful lessons to practice in giving and receiving feedback. So it's just being mindful of going into those conversations clear and without expectations. If you put expectations around a conversation on feedback, it's gonna turn around and bite you in the b***.

It really. It is. And with everything that we talk about, it's a practice. It's a practice. It's a practice. I am about to turn 35 in a couple of weeks, and I look back at my 25 year old self and the way that she received feedback, and it was exactly how Jill described it. I got super defensive. I pointed the finger. I totally turned the responsibility on other people. So in ten years of learning, personal growth, and development, of really defining my social, emotional learning skills, I've learned how much of a gift that feedback really is, but only if I'm open enough to actually receive it and implement it.

And you, as the recipient, can also decide whether the feedback is for you or not for you, regardless of if it's meant in love or meant to tear you down, if it's not something that you feel like is going to necessarily or is appropriate for you in that time in your life. You can say, thank you, I'm gonna put that in my pocket. But right now that's not exactly what I'm focused on. But that is in conjunction with what Jill just said in terms of using your voice. You have to communicate that you can't just be like cool and then walk away.

Thanks for the feedback. Flips the middle finger like have a conversation about why you might not be implementing it right away, especially if it's in a professional situation. Realistically, any situation, you want to talk about it, if it's a personal situation as well. I can't just ignore feedback from a friend because they're going to notice the behavior again and want to say something again unless you voice why you're not necessarily implementing it in that time. Yeah, well, and I just, I, how I want to, how we want to kind of tie this up in a big feedback bow is that what is your relationship with the word feedback?

And that's a great place for you to start is Mary and I, we, I mean, it is. The way that we talk about feedback is it's a gift. It truly is a gift when it comes from a place of love and you get to take what you want with it. It's like, you know, yeah, today I need that or no, thank you. Next. I think the prophet Ariana Grande, I think she said it best. Thank you. Next. So what is your relationship with the word feedback? Why aren't you giving it? Or what is the, what's the hang up around creating a culture?

And a culture can be in a work setting or in a family setting as well, around being honest and open with one another so that you are raising the group average up. Love that. That's our aim. Our aim, our purpose is to raise the group average. And it takes doing the hard thing to make relationships easy as opposed to doing the easy thing that winds up making relationships really, really difficult. So we'd love to know in the comment section after you watch this, where you have areas of opportunity around feedback, where you've struggled giving feedback, or where you love to give feedback.

Because I've turned my relationship in the last ten years of really working on it to actually really loving to hear feedback and in conjunction giving feedback as well. We would love to hear your opinion on feedback and also if you're struggling, we would love to be able to help you kind of work through that. So comment below, let us know what you think about this topic if you liked it. If you want more topics around this, we are totally here to deliver. We'll see you on the next episode of Toolbox Tuesday a week from now.

Same time, same place. Same time, same place. We'll get that countdown in 5432. Strike a pose.