Coffee Chats w/ Dr. D

Hey, Cadre, what's up? It's Doctor D back with another coffee chat. I actually have coffee today, and I need it because I was up last night just thinking about jiu jitsu. Y'all know that's another side of me, but I was also able to connect with my bestie, doctor cherise, and she is out doing some amazing things in another country. I'll let her tell on herself, but I'm really, really proud of her. I. But, yeah, we were up chatting last night, so it was probably morning for her and late night for me, which actually worked out great because I'm a night owl and she's a morning person, so it's perfect combination.

Hello there. Thank you for joining. And if you can, while you're joining, let me know where you're coming in from, what state are you in, or what country are you coming from? But, yeah, today I am going to share a little insight to therapy and relationships and how therapy can impact your relationship. I've had a few clients in the past few weeks that have had some amazing breakthroughs in their therapy sessions, but they also notice how when they get empowered, they are starting to have some problems in their relationships that they weren't aware of.

Right. And so what's happening is they are becoming empowered, they're learning about themselves, they're gaining new insight, they are looking at life differently, they're looking at themselves differently. They're healing some broken places in their hearts, but they're also starting to notice their partners differently. And so because of that, that little switch, there's a switch that's kicked in where they are starting to change how they respond to their partners, and their partners don't know what to do with that.

So their question is, is therapy ruining my relationship? And I wanna touch on that a little bit. I think therapy, it doesn't necessarily ruin the relationship. I think it helps you see your relationship different, because you have new insights of yourself and insights to your partner. So what changes? You change. You're evolving, and your partner doesn't have the same tools that you're gaining. So what can happen is you are starting to think about life differently, you're problem solving differently.

And the things that you didn't notice about your partner before are probably now, like, red flags. And because of those red flags popping up, you want to address those, because you now have the tools to help yourself and your partner, but your partner's not ready for that, not in all cases. Right. So I would say most times when you are in therapy, individually and your partner has never been to therapy, or they don't have a good therapist, or they're really not using therapy in the right way, you're going to start to excel, and it's going to seem like there's a lot of space between you.

Your partner might start to feel disconnected. They don't know how to interact with this new version of you, and you may not see it happening. You might just feel the tension, and you might also feel disconnected. You don't know how to connect with your partner anymore because there is a gap, there's a learning gap. You're changing, but they're not. And that can feel uncomfortable sometimes. And so what I think happens is your partners will say things to draw you back into the old version of yourself, right?

And so they might try to test you. So I'll give you an example. If you are in therapy and you're learning how to set boundaries for yourself, you're learning how to verbalize your boundary. You're learning when a boundary is needed, what type of boundary you need. And so if you are being strict with that, right? So you're like, no more am I going to take this b's that I've been getting from everyone. I'm going to implement boundaries. I'm going to stand on them, I'm going to be firm about it, and I'm going to let people know how I feel.

Well, your partner might sense that. And because that boundary is now in place that was never there before, they don't know how to operate in that new space. So they're going to try to do things to trigger you to pull back into your old self, and that's going to feel uncomfortable. But because you have this new tool through therapy, you're going to see their behavior as red flag. Right? And if you work with me, you know, my clients know these red flags. That's a move of power and control. When we feel like we have lost any sense of power of ourselves or our partners or the relationship, we're going to do things.

There are actual power control tactics that are used that we may or may not be aware of, that we're doing, that we will use to regain a sense of power and control. And if you're the one in therapy and you're the one who's elevating, you're evolving. You might not sense that you have a sense of power, but your partner does. Your partner might feel like you've got this newfound power and you're using it against them instead of celebrating the new changes that you're making in yourselves. So if any of this is resonating with you, if you've seen this in other relationships, please drop that in the chat.

I want to try this new thing out, too. I've seen people where they drop in like a heart. Or if you can, if you have, like that coffee mug button, that emoji, drop that in the chat, too, if this is resonating with you. But I think this is so important to recognize. So it's not that therapy is ruining your relationship, it is just highlighting some things that you didn't see before. It is highlighting your growth that your partner may not be comfortable with. But it can be a tool. Like as you're evolving and you're gaining tools for yourself, you can start to use those tools, and not in a therapeutic sense, but to encourage your partner to do the same.

But they're not going to do that unless they're actually ready to change. And so what could happen is if you continue to evolve, you stay in therapy. Your partner doesn't go to therapy themselves or they're not ready to change. There might be this bigger sense of disconnect there, and that gap gets bigger and bigger over time. And so you might see your, your relationship is going to dissolve. That doesn't mean that therapy was a bad thing. It just means that both partners were not ready for that change.

And that's okay. It's okay to accept that. So I want you guys to consider this. If this is happening in your relationship or someone, you know, just encourage them. Like, stay. Stay in therapy. Don't let therapy be the reason why your relationship dissolved. It's not the reason. The reason is there's been a disconnect. And so if you love each other and your partner loves you, they will find a way to regain that connection with you. So be ready for it. Okay. That's all I got. And I see you guys are joining in from Virginia and New York.

I love Virginia. Hopefully I get a chance to go back to Virginia beach. It's one of my favorite places. And New York, let me tell you about it. So I went to New York last December. I received an award for top mental health counselor of the year through International association of top Professionals. So I was in Times Square. New York is chaotic. I did enjoy the sightseeing, but I don't know if I could live there. So kudos to you for being from New York. Enjoy that. But I hope you guys have a wonderful 4 July.

I hope you guys get to celebrate with your families. Do something for yourself, okay? And don't forget your coffee. All right. Bye.