Are Arranged Marriages Actually the Way to Go? 😱

What's up, fam? Evan here, cadres, local resident in the vicinity. Mental health and addiction therapist. I should probably get that down. Usually I do, but today I wanted to talk about a topic that's come up in. Well, it's basically from watching a tv show, right? So there's a tv show on Netflix. It's originally a different network, but Netflix shows that. It's called Married at first sight, and it's been around for a while. And basically the premise is crazy, but is it? So basically, I mean, a ton of people apply to do this, but they have relationship experts, whatever that exactly means.

Sociologists, psychologists, whatever, who specialize in it, take a pool of people and they try to match people based on what they believe are dimensions of compatibility. Now, if they agree, the next thing that happens is a wedding, right? So they skip everything else and they go right to the wedding. And that's when they meet, literally on the altar. It's a legal wedding. There's some loopholes out of it, but later. But it is a legal wedding, and they meet there. They're friends and family. If they choose to come, sometimes they're like, this is insane.

And they don't support it every once in a while. And they get married right then and there. And then from there, they go on a honeymoon as a group and get to know each other and drama and, you know, you know, things get real. So I was thinking about that and I'm like, you know, usually there's at least, you know, it's usually like five couples. Usually at least two, three, you know, are, you know, actually stay married? Because at the end of six weeks and they meet up and they decide, do they want to get married?

Do they want to get divorced? And. Yeah, so usually there's a few, which, again, that's pretty impressive based on just two people meeting with no say in the matter whatsoever. So then I got curious and I was like, alright, this show's been on for eight years or something. Ten years, I don't know, something like that. And I was curious. I was like, how many of these people are still together? So I looked up the success rate, and it was shockingly high. Like, it was something like, you know, since the show has aired, it's probably about 25% of people that are still together, which I'm like, okay, like, 25%.

Is that really that great? Well, when the divorce rate is about 40% in a five year period, 25 to 40 to 50, maybe it's 50 or more. It's like somewhere around 50. So it's like double if you pick. But then if you're picking someone, you go through the dating process, and everyone knows how fun that could be, right? Where you're, like, going on multiple bad dates and this, and then you date for years and then move in together, and then, you know, it's a lot of work, right? And it's fun along the way, don't get me wrong.

But especially if your goal is to get married, I mean, it takes a lot to get there. Where in this case, you just say, take the reins. Go ahead, you know, match me up. You skip all of that, and you still have a one in four chance of it working out. Now, maybe you wouldn't do that. I mean, this is a pretty deviated experiment here, but this is not a foreign concept, right? There's a lot of cultures that do arranged marriages, and I know in my culture, jewish culture, that used to be, you know, back in the old country, there'd be a matchmaker in town, and for those of you fiddler on the roof fans who've seen that play, you know, there's a famous song, matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match.

You know, and then many other cultures, and still to this day, quite a few people in India, in indian culture, do the same thing, where maybe parents arrange it or they have matchmakers as well to base it more on dimensions of general compatibility versus. They call it, like, a range marriage or a love marriage. And sometimes the issue, right. Why this sometimes can be more successful. Oh, and by the way, when you look at arranged marriages in general, not just on this, like, crazy tv show, but, like, the divorce rate is said to be 4%.

I'm gonna say that one more time, 4% versus 50. Now, of course, there's a lot of cultural reasons and cultures, divorce may be more taboo, you know, but a lot of folks, let's say in India, come here and you still are able to get divorced. But so even if you, like, double that, triple that, quadruple that, exit by five, exit by six. I'm just, like, doing the math in my head, right? So if we exit by six now, we're at a 24% divorce rate, still half of what it normally is. And to clarify as well, that 40%, 50%, it's interesting.

That is, of the couples who lived together before they got married, right? And, you know, in different parts of the country, you know, different cultures, right? Like, maybe if you're more religious, more fundamental, then maybe, you know, you know, some people choose not to have sex. They choose not to live together until they're married. Right. So maybe there's something there where it's, you know, they're building a different type of foundation. But for most of us in modern culture society, like, we probably want to, you know, test drive before we buy and actually live with the person and see if we're compatible in that.

But maybe that's counterintuitive. Right? Like, the logic holds up, but clearly there's something to that. And again, it may not be causation. There's correlation. Right. So that may be people who tend to do that are less, just like their range marriages, they're less tolerant. Or I'll just say tolerant, for lack of a better word. I'm not putting a huge judgment on it, but they're, you know, less inclined to get divorced than someone who, in different culture, who would in our more modern culture would be to live with the person beforehand.

So how do we make sense of this? Because that's a wild statistic. That's what I'm talking about. It's like, it really stood out to me. Now, one element is we don't always know what's in our best interest. Like, I mean, how many people, we all have friends who've gotten into bad relationships. Maybe you are that person, right? And when you're in it, you're like, you have that infatuation. A lot of times, the people you choose is based on the experiences you've had and familiarity. So if you grew up in a household, let's say, with your parents in an abusive relationship or you have a bad relationship with your parents, we have this unconscious desire to seek familiarity no matter if it's abusive or not.

That's why these cycles often get perpetuated. So when we choose, we're often choosing based on familiarity and not what's in our best interest. Right. Also, we choose based on infatuation. A lot of times that's looks, but also that can be. Sometimes we fall for people who, let's just say, like, not the nice, sweet person. You know, sometimes it's, you know, with a lot of my clients and, you know, just people I know, right. And I think this especially true for younger people. You know, you go for the more exciting person, right.

Sometimes that's based on looks. Sometimes it's based on their personality or they're maybe more exciting or they're more distant in a way where it's like, more of a challenge. Whereas the person who is like, hey, I really like you. I think you're beautiful and da da da, and you're like, ugh, you're too nice, right? I mean, we've all heard that, like, I like, I like them. I like her, but she's just too nice or, I don't know, she's too traditional or whatever, right? So it's like, those are probably the people we should be with, you know, the ones who, like, really love and appreciate us, and, you know, we connect on different dimensions of compatibility.

Not just is this hot and exciting. So I think as people get older, they tend to. Right. It's like you have to be burned, like, 16 times before you're, like, willing to be with the nicer, more stable person, where it's not just about looks and infatuation. Because if you ask anyone who's married or been in a long term relationship, that does fade at some point, right? That initial newness, the serotonin, the oxytocin, all those love bonding chemicals, they phase, and then what do you have left once that's gone, if you don't have these base measures of compatibility, you know, and that's where that five years may come in, right?

That a certain percentage, I mean, there's also percentage, like, if you make it this long, then you're more likely to make, make it way longer. But you could see that five year mark of 40% to 50%, right? That's where sometimes the newness starts to wear off and things get real, especially when you start having kids. Right now, you look at your wife as mom, you look at your husband as dad, and not, and that's not really sexy. So you get into some weird s***, but we won't go there today, maybe for another day, we'll get get into that.

But, you know, so that, you know, that's one reason or a couple of reasons wrapped into one of why maybe we aren't always the best at choosing what's in our best interest or choosing based on infatuation and not compatibility. So a lot of times, like a matchmaker, they don't have that stake in the game. They're not like, oh, you two are going to be dynamite. And, you know, she's hot. You're hot. It's like, no, they do it based on these deep measures of compatibility. Are you compatible recreationally in the things that, do you have shared interests, shared hobbies, your values?

What do you want as far as, do you want to have children? How do you want to raise them? Do you want to raise them religious? Do you not these really deep measures of compatibility that when you're in that infatuation state you're not always really thinking about. You're like, oh, we'll figure that out later. I'm just in love and da da da, none of that matters. But then it matters. And I always compare it to getting into, like, a business relationship with someone and how important it is to sit down before you form that relationship to talk about, okay, where are we going with this?

What are our values in the business? What are the separation of due duties? What's going to happen if this happens? So I just tell people, think of every possible situation that could happen and have it in writing that this is how it will be handled. It's kind of similar for a long term partnership marriage to be on the same page and not just based on the exciting, the newness, the dopamine part of it, because just a business relationship. I have a good idea. That's awesome. Let's do this. Let's do this together.

Jump in. And then you have all these assets or whatever, and then all of a sudden the rubber meets the road and these situations come up and you don't necessarily have that foundation. So it's like, what can we learn from this and learn from the statistic? And as I'm talking about it, I think it's, you know, that when we're looking at a partnership, what is it that a matchmaker does, right? They look at those dimensions and they're not looking at the infatuation piece. And Ryan, a lot of times we're frustrated with our friends.

You're like, they were such a nice guy, they were such a sweet girl. And you're just like, because maybe the intense attraction isn't there. And you're like, God, you two would be so perfect for each other. And you're like, eh. And then you go for the next person and you're like, God, my poor friend, why won't they just do what's right? Whatever. So I don't know. So again, I just found that to be interesting and some food for thought. And I don't know what the lesson in all this is. You know, maybe you're married already, maybe you're not maybe a friends who are dating.

But I think it is a good lesson about, you know, us as people and how we make the choices we make. And also in the modern day, I forgot to mention, just sometimes having too many choices. Like my grandparents, right, they got married in their early twenties, but they came from the same culture, like their parents came from the same part of the old country. They had shared values, shared religion, and it just made sense. Of course, they had that, like, love phase, you know, the infatuation phase at the beginning, but the true love tends to be long term.

And are you going to be, you know, is this person going to be your best friend? This is the person you're going to, you know, be with for a very long time after that infatuation? Where out? And does that relationship have a solid foundation? So those are just things to think about. And as always, folks, it's good to check in with you. And until next time, y'all have a good weekend.